Bush's Mission Accomplished Speech, And What He Was Really Thinking

Thank you. Thank you all very much.

I am the Lord thy God, there is none else.

Admiral Kelly, Captain Card, officers and sailors of the USS Abraham Lincoln, my fellow Americans, major combat operations in Iraq have ended.

Which will be great comfort to the tens of thousands of your colleagues who will be killed or wounded in "minor combat operations."

In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed.

We won the battle. Now, we'll lose the war.

And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that country.

Up is down. Black is white.

In this battle, we have fought for the cause of liberty and for the peace of the world.

The liberty of the oil industry and the military-industrial complex to impose their definition of peace on the world.

Our nation and our coalition are proud of this accomplishment, yet it is you, the members of the United States military, who achieved it. Your courage, your willingness to face danger for your country and for each other made this day possible.

And I will reward you by sending you on endless tours of duty, with stop-loss to prevent you from returning to civilian life, with inadequate armor, and inadequate medical care when you get home, plus I'll even be sending medically unfit wounded troops back into battle!

Because of you our nation is more secure.

And I'll be doing my best to destroy that!

Because of you the tyrant has fallen and Iraq is free.

And I'll now demonstrate how tyranny works in the Twenty-First Century: a little domestic spying, here; a little torture there; and there.

Operation Iraqi Freedom was carried out with a combination of precision and speed and boldness the enemy did not expect and the world had not seen before.

From distant bases or ships at sea, we sent planes and missiles that could destroy an enemy division or strike a single bunker. Marines and soldiers charged to Baghdad across 350 miles of hostile ground in one of the swiftest advances of heavy arms in history.

You have shown the world the skill and the might of the American armed forces.

And just for fun, I will now show you how quickly I can destroy those American armed forces!

This nation thanks all of the members of our coalition who joined in a noble cause. We thank the armed forces of the United Kingdom, Australia and Poland who shared in the hardships of war.

There's a sucker born every minute; and thank God there are enough suckers willing to sacrifice their own people's lives to help me promote the lie that this is some grand coaltion. United Kingdom. Australia. Poland.

We thank all of the citizens of Iraq who welcomed our troops and joined in the liberation of their own country.

Some 650,00 of whom we will now watch die, and some 2,000,000 of whom will now have to become refugees.

And tonight, I have a special word for Secretary Rumsfeld, for General Franks and for all the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States: America is grateful for a job well done.

Heckuva job, Rummy! Heckuva job, Tommy!

The character of our military through history, the daring of Normandy, the fierce courage of Iwo Jima, the decency and idealism that turned enemies into allies is fully present in this generation.

When Iraqi civilians looked into the faces of our service men and women, they saw strength and kindness and good will. When I look at the members of the United States military, I see the best of our country and I am honored to be your commander in chief.

Because I can pretend that your strength, kindness, and good will reflect back on me; and when I need political coverage for my Caligula-esque insanity, I can hide behind you, to evade criticism!

In the images of fallen statues we have witnessed the arrival of a new era.

Nobody does photo ops like we do photo-ops! Like that cool banner, behind me? Do any of you TV viewers even have a clue that we're in sight of the San Diego coast?

For a hundred of years of war, culminating in the nuclear age, military technology was designed and deployed to inflict casualties on an ever-growing scale.

And I love the big booms!

In defeating Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, Allied forces destroyed entire cities, while enemy leaders who started the conflict were safe until the final days. Military power was used to end a regime by breaking a nation.

I am FDR and Churchill, all rolled into one!

Today we have the greater power to free a nation by breaking a dangerous and aggressive regime.

With new tactics and precision weapons, we can achieve military objectives without directing violence against civilians.

But we'll do it, anyway!

No device of man can remove the tragedy from war, yet it is a great advance when the guilty have far more to fear from war than the innocent.

Because there are hundreds of thousands of guilty Iraqi civilians, whereas I truly am not that concerned about that guy who actually did attack us on September 11, 2001.

In the images of celebrating Iraqis we have also seen the ageless appeal of human freedom.

Have I mentioned that we do really good photo-ops? And I would like to thank our good lapdogs in the media, for letting us get away with it!

Decades of lies and intimidation could not make the Iraqi people love their oppressors or desire their own enslavement.

But we'll see if we can make them love us, anyway!

Men and women in every culture need liberty like they need food and water and air. Everywhere that freedom arrives, humanity rejoices and everywhere that freedom stirs, let tyrants fear.

I'm getting hungry. All this flowery talk makes my tummy grumble. And this codpiece really itches!

We have difficult work to do in Iraq.

It's hard work. I know it's hard.

We're bringing order to parts of that country that remain dangerous.

Parts. Small parts. We'll call it the Green Zone. The rest of Iraq will be a living Hell.

We're pursuing and finding leaders of the old regime who will be held to account for their crimes.

We'll shoot them and hang them, and then everything will be peachy. Just watch!

We've begun the search for hidden chemical and biological weapons, and already know of hundreds of sites that will be investigated.

It's a slam dunk!

We are helping to rebuild Iraq where the dictator built palaces for himself instead of hospitals and schools.

We'll do a hecukva job on that, too!

And we will stand with the new leaders of Iraq as they establish a government of, by and for the Iraqi people.

And they'll do a heckuva job, too!

The transition from dictatorship to democracy will take time, but it is worth every effort. Our coalition will stay until our work is done and then we will leave and we will leave behind a free Iraq.

I'm told the Sun will become something called a Red Giant in about 5 billion years. We might be done, by then!

The battle of Iraq is one victory in a war on terror that began on September the 11th, 2001 and still goes on.

That terrible morning, 19 evil men, the shock troops of a hateful ideology, gave America and the civilized world a glimpse of their ambitions. They imagined, in the words of one terrorist, that September the 11th would be the beginning of the end of America.

By seeking to turn our cities into killing fields, terrorists and their allies believed that they could destroy this nation's resolve and force our retreat from the world.

They have failed.

In the battle of Afghanistan, we destroyed the Taliban, many terrorists and the camps where they trained. We continue to help the Afghan people lay roads, restore hospitals and educate all of their children.

9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11

Yet we also have dangerous work to complete. As I speak, a special operations task force lead by the 82nd Airborne is on the trail of the terrorists and those who seek to undermine the free government of Afghanistan.

We'll do a heckuva job, there, too!

America and our coalition will finish what we have begun.

Did I mention that 5 billion year timetable, until the Sun goes Red Giant? Oops! I don't do timetables! That would be admitting defeat! I am infallible!

From Pakistan to the Philippines to the Horn of Africa, we are hunting down Al Qaida killers.

Nineteen months ago I pledged that the terrorists would not escape the patient justice of the United States. And as of tonight nearly one half of Al Qaida's senior operatives have been captured or killed.

People you've never heard of. People we've made up. People who will confess to anything we tell them too, after we get done with them!

Osama who?

The liberation of Iraq is a crucial advance in the campaign against terror. We have removed an ally of Al Qaida and cut off a source of terrorist funding.

This one always makes me laugh! You people are so gullible! Have I mentioned 9/11? Heh, heh, heh, heh.

And this much is certain: No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because the regime is no more.

And because terrorist networks weren't gaining weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime even when it still existed, this is one we really can guarantee!

In these 19 months that changed the world, our actions have been focused and deliberate and proportionate to the offense. We have not forgotten the victims of September the 11th, the last phone calls, the cold murder of children, the searches in the rubble. With those attacks, the terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States, and war is what they got.

In fact, they got exactly the war they wanted! They wanted to provoke a clash of cultures, a war of religion, World War III. Thanks to my brilliance, they've gotten it!

Our war against terror is proceeding according to the principles that I have made clear to all.

Those principles are: we will fight wars against anyone I want to fight wars against, for no apparent reasons, with no strategies, and no consequences for repeated failures!

Any person involved in committing or planning terrorist attacks against the American people becomes an enemy of this country and a target of American justice.

Any person, organization or government that supports, protects or harbors terrorists is complicit in the murder of the innocent and equally guilty of terrorist crimes. Any outlaw regime that has ties to terrorist groups and seeks or possesses weapons of mass destruction is a grave danger to the civilized world and will be confronted.

Look! Over there! 9/11, 9/11, 9/11! Gotcha again! Heh, heh, heh!

And anyone in the world, including the Arab world, who works and sacrifices for freedom has a loyal friend in the United States of America.

And Laura and I know all about work and sacrifice. You wouldn't believe how much we suffer! Nobody suffers more than we do! Have I mentioned that my codpiece itches?

Our commitment to liberty is America's tradition, declared at our founding, affirmed in Franklin Roosevelt's Four Freedoms, asserted in the Truman Doctrine and in Ronald Reagan's challenge to an evil empire.

I'm the Founders, FDR, Truman, and Reagan all rolled into one! I expecially like Reagan, because he showed you can fight wars without Congressional authorization! That's why I hired some of his wisest people!

We are committed to freedom in Afghanistan, Iraq and in a peaceful Palestine.

Just watch:

Afghanistan!

Iraq!

Palestine!

Israel!

The advance of freedom is the surest strategy to undermine the appeal of terror in the world. Where freedom takes hold, hatred gives way to hope.

When freedom takes hold, men and women turn to the peaceful pursuit of a better life.

American values and American interests lead in the same direction. We stand for human liberty.

The United States upholds these principles of security and freedom in many ways: with all of the tools of diplomacy, law enforcement, intelligence and finance.

Freedom. Peace. Freedom. Peace. Freedom. Peace. Liberty. I'd like some freedom and liberty from this codpiece, because it really itches!

We are working with a broad coalition of nations that understand the threat and our shared responsibility to meet it.

Heh, heh, heh, heh.

The use of force has been and remains our last resort.

If you consider that we don't consider any other possible resorts. Except Camp David, which is a really cool resort. You should see the hot tubs! Except you can't! Because I'm the Decider, and you're not!

Yet all can know, friend and foe alike, that our nation has a mission: We will answer threats to our security, and we will defend the peace.

Even by fighting wars that have nothing to do with those threats! It's very peaceful on my ranch, in Crawford, and I'm getting tired from all this hard work!

Our mission continues.

And when I say "mission," I mean mission from God!

Al Qaida is wounded, not destroyed. The scattered cells of the terrorist network still operate in many nations and we know from daily intelligence that they continue to plot against free people. The proliferation of deadly weapons remains a serious danger.

Did I mention that we'll continue to make this problem worse?

The enemies of freedom are not idle, and neither are we.

We'll see who can do the most to undermine it!

Our government has taken unprecedented measures to defend the homeland and we will continue to hunt down the enemy before he can strike.

We have these really cool color-coded alerts that we can use to attack our real enemies- the Democrats!

The war on terror is not over, yet it is not endless.

That's a typo- that second "not" is not supposed to be there. This war goes on as long as we need to terrify you all into submission to my will! Heh, heh, heh!

We do not know the day of final victory, but we have seen the turning of the tide.

Karl says we can ride this crap to a permanent majority!

No act of the terrorists will change our purpose, or weaken our resolve, or alter their fate. Their cause is lost; free nations will press on to victory.

You have no idea how hard it is to read this stuff while keeping a straight face! I'm getting really good at my job!

Other nations in history have fought in foreign lands and remained to occupy and exploit.

And we will, too!

Americans, following a battle, want nothing more than to return home.

Which is annoying, because I want to keep sending them back!

And that is your direction tonight.

Enjoy your vacations. They won't last long. I'm having too much fun playing "war president."

After service in the Afghan and Iraqi theaters of war, after 100,000 miles on the longest carrier deployment in recent history, you are homeward bound.

Some of you will see new family members for the first time; 150 babies were born while their fathers were on the Lincoln. Your families are proud of you, and your nation will welcome you.

We are mindful as well that some good men and women are not making the journey home. One of those who fell, Corporal Jason Mileo, spoke to his parents five days before his death. Jason's father said, "He called us from the center of Baghdad, not to brag but to tell us he loved us. Our son was a soldier."

Every name, every life is a loss to our military, to our nation and to the loved ones who grieve. There is no homecoming for these families. Yet we pray in God's time their reunion will come.

Those we lost were last seen on duty.

Their final act on this Earth was to fight a great evil and bring liberty to others.

All of you, all in this generation of our military, have taken up the highest calling of history: You were defending your country and protecting the innocent from harm.

And wherever you go, you carry a message of hope, a message that is ancient and ever new. In the words of the prophet Isaiah, "To the captives, come out; and to those in darkness, be free."

Whew! I made it through that part! Okay, I get it- the soliders, blah, blah, blah! Have to pretend like what they do is important. But nobody- nobody- suffers like Laura and I do!

Thank you for serving our country and our cause.

Thank you for serving as props in my photo-ops. Love you guys. That's what you're here for!

May God bless you all. And may God continue to bless America.

I am the Lord thy God, there is none else!